And yes...

We are engaged.

Two Souls Connecting

In Chicago visiting family.

I recently started a relationship that has taken hold of me in ways that I believed was only possible when holy texts speak of communion. Our bodies, souls and spirits reach out to one another. Separation from her brings intense longing and a hunger to be reconnected. I feel I am more of who I am meant to be in her presence. Davening with her in shul, I feel whole in the presence of G-d. Synchronicity abounds, life-changing events in her life and mine mirror each other in uncanny ways.

The mystic would smile and nod.

Remembering yourself in times of fear...

Home sick with a cold.

The clinic where I work is a high pressure environment. In addition to meeting 31+ clients every week and providing them with individual psychotherapy sessions, we are required to maintain an updated case file on every one of our clients. This entails a huge amount of paperwork that often feels overwhelming. Unfortunately, the culture of outpatient mental health clinics is such that paperwork and productivity are sometimes more important to the administration than the actual one-to-one work with our clients in sessions. I recently fell behind on some paperwork and was informed, in what felt like a punitive way, that I needed to catch up. Even though I eventually caught up, this incident pulled the rug out from under me. It scared me, and the fear made me equate the lapse in my paperwork with the actual work I do as a therapist, raising intense feelings of self-doubt and self-criticism. It took a wise friend to remind me that I needed to remember who I really was, and that my real work does not equal paperwork.

I close on the purchase of my condo tomorrow, a great studio on the 28th floor of a high rise located on the upper west side. This is the view. Pretty amazing. I moved in 6 years ago when the building was still Mitchell-Lama subsidized housing. The landlord bought out of the program, and as insiders, we were offered our units at almost half the price. A lot of us jumped at the opportunity.

The loneliness of authenticity...

I recently ended a short relationship that had all the earmarks of turning into something quite serious, even though there were warning signs from the very beginning. One of the obstacles (among others) that contributed to the unsustainability of the relationship that I now see in hindsight was my ex-partner's inability to comprehend the way Judaism spoke to me.

I tend to connect to the Hasidic core and inclusivity of Jewish Renewal, feeling at home in its open and generous definition of the parameters of Jewish experience. My ex-partner had attended a Jewish Renewal service shortly before we met, and one day we had a heated discussion when we started comparing shul experiences. Scandalized by the experience of a Renewal Shabbat service, she angrily stated, "this is NOT Judaism!" I remember feeling my heart sinking as I realized that our core Jewish belief systems were deeply at odds. Moreover, she mistook the expression of my deep passion for Judaism as some sort of unbending orthodoxy, fearing that I would one day suddenly appear at her door in a black hat and payess.

Her fear, and my feelings of powerlessness at failing to communicate and share with her what I considered crucial reminded me that sometimes the price one pays for authenticity is loneliness.

Staying the Course

It's often difficult to find a balance between your origins, and the voices that pull you towards authenticity. They may be vastly different from each other. However, it's crucial to recognize the truths that are not negotiable and to stay the course in the face of self-doubt and fear.

To be oneself!

So, what's a nice, Chicago-born, working class, first-generation Mexican-American boy doing in New York City living as a marginally observant Jewish east Harlem clinical social worker and adjunct professor of speech?

Long story. However, I have always tried to live by Rabbi Hillel the Elder's admonition and advice regarding authenticity:

"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? And if not now, when?"

This blog is for those of us who have had the courage to follow our innermost and most truthful voices in the face of fear and self-doubt. I invite you to post or comment on your struggles to achieve authenticity, and the lessons you may have learned on the journey.